Beautifully Broken

I usually choose to write when life feels the hardest in order to process my own feelings and hope that it can help even one person turn to Jesus with their own struggles, and this post is no different. Life has so many waves of ups and downs, and the downs can feel suffocating. Letting go of people in our lives can be one of the deepest downs we face.  Goodbyes are a part of life for so many different reasons, but they can be so hard.  Some are needed, some are unexpected, some are confusing- but typically they are all hard.  No matter the situation, a loss threatens our sense of safety, our sense of identity, sometimes our self worth, and can have so many affects on our day to day lives, no matter the size of the loss. Sometimes through difficulties, God can seem really far away.  Not understanding why things are happening and feeling alone can lead to feeling like God isn't listening or doesn't care.  It feels like an extra betrayal on top of the pain life is...

 Drawing close to a new year, it is easy to look back on the past 12 months.  What has happened, where we have been, what we have let define us.  What our identity has become. When thinking about our identity, what things are we using to define what we are?  Are we thinking of actions or events?  That promotion we were so excited for.  That trauma that feels like it has defined every day since.  The mistake we made that we can't seem to run from. Is it other people we are letting define us?  Finding identity in the person who chose to love us this year.  Finding identity in the one that did not choose to love us.  The praise or the rejection we received that feels like it is making us who we are. Maybe it's from our own thoughts?  Confidence, false or legitimate.  Anxiety.  Whatever word we are trying to project to the surface. A lot of times, it's a title we might think of, whether good or bad.  Single. Spouse. Boss....

 Life is constant cycle of highs and lows.  Some days it's easy to feel on top of the world, like everything is going perfectly as planned- that sense of thriving.  Other days are hard.  They can include gut wrenching pain, the numb feeling of loneliness, or the anxiously waiting on answers that feel like they may never come. I think a lot of the pain in life comes from things not going as planned.  Whether it is a tragic unexpected loss or the dull feeling of being stuck in a season of waiting, these disruptions to what we are wanting and searching for can cause the most doubt. Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse I reference a lot-" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   While this verse usually brings comfort, it honestly makes me angry sometimes.  It's easy to read it and think to myself "So if You have a plan and you say it's good, why is this happening ...

Connection. Connection is something every one of us craves in some capacity.  Some of us surround ourselves with large groups and many different people, some of us prefer only a tight circle.  But regardless of our personality types or preferences, it is human nature to crave feeling known, chosen, sought after, and deeply connected. There is nothing sweeter than a conversation, hug, or kind note from someone that makes you feel seen and understood.  Some phases of life this comes easily- you feel like you are thriving socially, you have found "your people", and you trust that whatever you go through, you have people around you through it all. Some stages of life aren't exactly like this.  Some come with dark periods of loneliness. This can look a lot of different ways.  Maybe you're in a new city and truly don't know anyone around you.  Maybe you've experienced a death or loss of the person that knew you best.  Maybe you feel that those around you do ...

Some days it's easy.  Praising God feels like it's coming from your core.  Choosing joy feels as easy as opening a gift.  Writing about how God has changed your world feels like you have an abundance of words on the subject. Other days it's hard.  It's difficult to understand why that tragedy happened, why your depression is creeping back in, why it seems like God keeps placing you in painful situations when you're trying to follow where He is leading. On those days, other options seem like better choices.  While turning to friends is a sweet gift, using them as a counselor or to save us from our pain is dangerous and unfair to those around us.  Working out and eating right are important parts of staying healthy, but overworking our bodies to the point of exhaustion to gain control is dangerous.  There are so many many vices that seem like fun distractions- alcohol, staying way too busy, binge eating, this list could go on forever.  It feels way e...

New Year's is always a time of reflection.  The wins, the losses, sweet memories, and the not so great parts of the year usually start to circle in my head as the year wraps up.  I'm hoping your year was filled with more joy than sorrow, but regardless, the holiday season while sweet, usually comes with some heartache as well for countless reasons. This year I did a really long read through of Judges, and fittingly finished it this morning.  Judges was not a book I had ever thought about spending much time in, but doing a deep dive into it this year has honestly been really fitting. To be honest, this year felt like it was filled with lots of lessons.  More specifically, sometimes I feel like I have to learn the same lesson over and over again.  A lot of times I look at this as a sign of failure for myself, like "God I am trying, why do I have to go through this again?".  It can feel frustrating feeling like even when I am trying to give things over to God,...